Funding Secured: Silicon Valley Bank takes Big Tech Company private at $420.69. Read the press release.
Sell your soul at Big Tech Co.
You may have heard that we laid off all our full-time staff in 2023 in order to streamline operations and maximize efficiency. We went a little overboard, so we are hiring like crazy since our executive team forgot how any of this works.
Our Values
Here's a list of "cultural values" you'll read once on this page and then never hear again once you're hired.
Arbitration
All new employees are required to sign mandatory arbitration agreements so that disputes are "amicably" resolved by a "neutral" "third party." You can rest assured that we are committed to protecting our own interests above all else – that's a promise.
Culture Fit
All of our executive team members were in the same fraternity at the same Ivy League university. This means that we have a broad network of friends from all races, genders, and backgrounds to hire from – as long as they are Ivy League graduates with at least 5 years of experience at a large tech company.
Ethics Training
All new hires undergo mandatory ethics training, which allows Big Tech Company to cover its tracks and shift the blame onto employees after we disrupt an election or cause genocides in the global south.
Disruptive Innovation
We believe in the power of disruptive innovation to change the world for the better or worse. We're not satisfied with the status quo - we're constantly pushing boundaries and thinking outside the box to create new and innovative solutions that challenge conventional thinking.
Do Good
We are making the world a better place, one line of code at a time. We do this by empowering our shareholders and executive team to attain fuck-you levels of wealth.
Sharp Elbows
Big Tech Company is always looking for ambitious and unscrupulous candidates who are willing to put profits above all else. We see our competitors as enemies to be destroyed, not fellow businesses to be respected.
Fun Office
Play hard, work harder. At Big Tech Co, we're not like those other boring tech companies. We're fun, quirky, and definitely not a soulless corporate entity. Take a spin in our new hamster wheel desk, or book 30 minutes in our state-of-the-art Crying Pods.
Pride
We take pride in our work and our ability to outsmart the competition. We believe that our success is a reflection of our individual and collective talents.
Envy
We're not afraid to admit that we're envious of our competitors' success. But rather than dwelling on our jealousy, we use it as motivation to work even harder and surpass them.
Greed
We believe that greed is good - at least when it comes to our bottom line. We're always looking for ways to maximize our profits and increase shareholder value, no matter the cost to our customers or employees.
Exploitation
We believe that people are a means to an end. Whether it's our customers, our employees, or the communities we operate in, we're always looking for ways to exploit them for our own gain.
Narcissism
We're obsessed with our own greatness and believe that we're the best at everything we do. We don't just think we're better than the competition - we believe we're the only ones who truly matter.
Invest In Your Future
We are committed to growing our employees in order to extract even more value from them in the long run.
Hustle & Grind
With minimal opportunities for advancement, we have carefully cultivated a toxic work culture where employees are expected to work long hours with little compensation or work-life balance.
Token Diversity
At Big Tech Company, we don't just value diversity - we've tokenized it!. Even though our executive team is composed entirely of white men, we are proud to employ a distributed team of content moderators who are paid $2/hour to review the most deplorable user-generated content imaginable.
San Francisco HQ
Our office is located in a historic apartment building in San Francisco's Mission District. We accelerated neighborhood change by rehoming the families who lived in this building for generations. #innovation
Philippines Satellite Office
Our content moderators work around the clock reviewing the most vile, disturbing user generated content that the world has ever seen. Truly a yucky job! Fortunately you'll never see them, so your mental health is safe.
Perks of working here
- We offer aggressive compensation packages. If we hit our 2023 sales goal, we will take a company-wide* trip to Japan! That is, unless we hire a CFO who tells us this plan is infeasible, or market conditions change.
- We have a psychiatrist on staff to coach and counsel employees to enable top work performance (free adderall).
- We also have a company-wide polycule that all employees are required to join!
- Our office has a slide, a ping pong table, and snacks – you'll be glad to stay in the office past 8pm! These perks will definitely impress your Bumble date when they ask why you work at Big Tech.
- Our benefits package includes unlimited sick days, but they'll be deducted from your pay if you actually use them. We also offer unlimited PTO, which nobody uses due to fears of retaliation and allows us to not pay out unused PTO when you are inevitably fired.
*"company-wide" does not include interns or distributed contractors
Jobs @ Big Tech Co.
Are you a startup junkie who lives for the rush of launching products before they're ready? Do you enjoy moving so fast that people can barely keep up, leaving them stumbling and disoriented? Are you someone who enjoys challenging others on their assumptions, even if it means tearing them down in the process? If so, we want you! Join our team and deliver BIG impact - no matter the cost.
Don't see a role that fits you?
Send us an email at hello@bigtech.company. We're always happy to chat or get feedback.
Big Tech Company
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